


From Head To Toe

by ImmediatelyWriting



Category: Free!
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Medical, Angst, Caretaking, Disabled Character, Feels, Fights, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Haruka Nanase Needs a Hug, Hurt Haruka Nanase, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Fanart, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Major Character Injury, Makoto helping Haruka swim, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Paralysis, Prompt Fic, Romance, Short One Shot, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:26:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27540763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmediatelyWriting/pseuds/ImmediatelyWriting
Summary: When you're ten, they call you a prodigy. When you're fifteen, they call you a genius. Once you hit twenty, you're just an ordinary person.If that only could be true in Haru's case...With the crash of a car everything came to an abrupt end.“W-why did you want to talk to me?” Makoto stammers, taking a seat in the doctor's office. “I mean, I’m just a friend of Haruka.”“Your friend is paralyzed from the neck down.”Or: Haruka gets paralyzed and Makoto decides to become his legal caregiver.
Relationships: Nanase Haruka/Tachibana Makoto
Comments: 18
Kudos: 24





	1. From the Neck Down

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there!
> 
> So, yeah... here we are a little more than a year later and I'm taking the same concept for a story; Haruka becoming paralyzed.  
> Don't get me wrong! It's NOT the same as the first Free! fanfiction I ever wrote, in October/November 2019; It has a completely different plot with more angst, more fluff, more MakoHaru and, well, overall I'd say I'm about ten times prouder of this one so far!  
> Go to the end-note to see more about why I decided to grab this concept and use it again. There'll also be some of my research down in the end note for the people that are interested in reading the medical documents I read before starting to write. 
> 
> Just a few disclaimers;  
> \- This is a fanfiction, meaning the characters do not belong to me!  
> \- This is a developing gay romance, if you don't like it you shouldn't read it.  
> \- I'm no doctor, so even though I did a lot of research, I probably will makes some mistakes.  
> \- Read the trigger warnings I put in Authorsnotes, please.
> 
> Having said that, have fun reading!
> 
> Love, Noa <3

With the crash of a car everything came to an abrupt end.

He saw all of it happen, and it wasn’t like he could ignore the strange positioning of Haruka’s back; he knew something was wrong.

Makoto let out a cry and felt himself collapse onto the ground when seeing the terrible sight. He shrieked, because he could’ve saved his best friend from endless pain and suffering.

He held Haruka in his arms and cried for help until some unknown bystander called an ambulance. He sat beside his best friend and held his hand tightly as they rushed him to the hospital.

That’s how it happens in Makoto’s nightmares.

But when Haruka was hit by a drunk driver during his evening run, Makoto wasn’t anywhere near.

He didn’t see it happen, he didn't embrace Haruka right after the accident or hold his hand on their way to the hospital.

Instead Makoto was at home, putting his younger siblings in bed, when his phone rang. Haruka's name lit up his screen and when Makoto picked up and heard an unfamiliar voice, he knew something was wrong right away. 

The woman on the phone carefully told him that Haruka was hit by a car and injured pretty badly before asking if Makoto was family of Haruka. When Makoto told her that he's Haruka's best friend and explained that Haruka had no family nearby, the woman's attitude towards him changed. 

She told him that if he wasn't family, she couldn't give him more information about Haruka's physical state because of privacy and hang up on Makoto.

That was a week ago and Makoto hasn't been allowed to see Haruka even once. 

He went to the hospital a couple of times, begging them to let him see Haruka, but they told him they just couldn't let anyone besides family near him for as long as he was in such a unstable state.

This morning, though, Makoto wakes up to his phone ringing next to his ear.

“Hello, Makoto Tachibana speaking,” he whispers, trying not to wake up his family.

A female voice on the other side of the line speaks softly. “Good morning, mister Tachibana. I’m calling to inform you that your friend, Haruka Nanase, has asked for you.”

Makoto’s eyes get bigger; did Haruka really ask for Makoto to come by?

“We would want to invite you to visit him somewhere between twelve and three today,” the young woman continues. “If that’s possible, of course.”

Makoto nods about a million times before realizing that the receptionist can’t see him.

“I’d love to,” Makoto says, and after that they end the conversation. There’s no way Makoto can sleep again when knowing that he can finally see his best friend after being left in the dark about his wellbeing for seven whole days. This has been the longest that Haruka and Makoto haven’t seen each other and it was bothering him on a whole other level.

Makoto throws the blankets off himself and goes downstairs to make breakfast, even though he’s just seven on a Saturday morning; normally he’d still be deep asleep right now.

He makes himself some rice for himself and while that’s cooking Makoto catches himself thinking about Haruka again. It happens all the time lately; he used to think and worry about Haruka a lot even before the accident, but now that Haruka is in the hospital he can’t keep his mind off him.

Not knowing how he’s doing, what’s going on with him and how people are taking care of him at the hospital, it’s like having a constant _beep_ in your ear. It causes Makoto to lose concentration faster, not paying attention to conversations that happen around him and wanting to withdraw from activities is something Makoto has been feeling often after the accident.

He never wanted to miss practice, but he’s been avoiding having to talk to Rei, Nagisa or Rin for the entire past week. Of course, they found out about Haruka’s accident too, which means they’re going to be sad about it too and Makoto can’t even handle being around his own thoughts right now.

Makoto paces up and down the room nervously, his heart beating quickly in his chest. Never in his live has he been this nervous about visiting Haruka.

The silent sound of hot steam releasing itself from the rice cooker seems to be the only thing calming Makoto’s nerves right now. It’s also the only sound that makes him realize that there’s still a world and reality outside of his mind. And in this reality, he just has to make sure to not overcook the rice, eat his breakfast and go to a little store to at least make sure he doesn’t show up at the hospital without a present. Haruka also didn’t show up without a gift when Makoto had his tonsils removed.

Makoto scoops the slightly overcooked rice into a little bowl and sits down at the breakfast table.

He eats his rice, trying to swallow his food normally, but deep inside he’s also terrified; he has no clue in what state he’s going to find Haruka. Haruka’s able to talk right now and has been in a critical state for almost an entire week after being hit by a car, that’s all Makoto knows. For all he knows, they could’ve asked Makoto to visit because Haruka’s last days are arriving sooner than later.

Makoto shakes his head; he can’t think like that.

Makoto closes his eyes for a brief second, but the image that his nightmares keep showing him, of Haruka lying on the pavement all scraped and broken and in an almost unnatural pose, comes to mind again. It makes him feel like crying again, but the tears never get any further than stinging somewhere deep down.

He shoves away his food and gets up, he’s not going to be able to eat more than a couple of bites, so instead Makoto heads out for a morning jog after putting on some decent sweat pants and a vest.

He doesn’t run because he still needs to keep training if he doesn’t want to fail his team. It’s more like a way of releasing himself of stress and pain.

At the same time, he wish Haruka was running beside him like he normally would be during their morning run, so maybe it doesn’t take away all the hurt and worry.

While jogging past all of the open fields, because Makoto can’t run over the beach without Haruka, Makoto takes a turn back into the more crowded area of Iwatobi. This is because he’s not going to find any good shops in the meadows and he still is determined to find Haruka a present.

Even though both Makoto and Haruka enjoy gaming, Makoto knows there’s no way they’ll have anything to play games on and buying Haruka an entire Nintendo DS would be a little expensive.

Giving him charcoal and sketchbooks, or a new swimsuit, would be like aiming for being called out on giving Haruka things he already has lying around somewhere at home.

Eventually, after wandering through the village for almost three hours, Makoto decides to buy a couple of movies that they watched together when they were kids. Maybe watching some nostalgic Ghibli movies while passing the time will make him feel better.

He also buys a book, with audio-track in case Haruka is too tired to read, and last minute he decides to also buy a batch of pre-packed smoked mackerel, just to be save.

With all of that gathered in a fabric bag, Makoto runs back home. He sneaks past his family, who are all eating breakfast, and goes to the bathroom. After taking a long and hot shower, he tells his family he’ll be back in a few hours and walks to Iwatobi Hospital.

He has no clue where he can find Haruka, because the woman on the phone just told him to visit between twelve and three. She didn’t tell him a department or room number, he doesn’t even know the floor Haruka’s on, so he immediately asks for help at the reception.

“Good afternoon,” Makoto says, trying to make eye contact with the busy receptionist. “I was wondering if you know where I can find Haruka Nanase? He should be hospitalized here.”

The woman looks up and a polite smile appears on her face before she nods.

“You’re his friend, Makoto Tachibana, am I right?” the young female asks him.

Makoto recognizes her voice; it’s the receptionist who called him this morning, he’s sure of it.

“Yes, that’s me.” He forces a smile and hopes his nerves don’t make it appear all tense.

The receptionist hold the phone, that didn’t even ring, against her ear and says something Makoto can’t really understand because her voice has suddenly gotten really quiet. After hanging up again, she looks back at Makoto and says, “You can wait over there.” She gestures at a few couches that together make a waiting room. “Nanase’s doctor, Miss Nakamura, will be here any moment. She’ll talk some important things over with you, if you don’t mind.”

Makoto shakes his head, making sure to tell the young receptionist that he doesn’t mind waiting, before he takes a seat on one of the couches. But almost immediately a woman calls his name.

When Makoto looks up he sees an older female dressed in white standing in the middle of the waiting room. This must be Haruka’s doctor.

“Makoto Tachibana?” she repeats, glancing around the room.

Makoto gets up and walks towards her. She introduces herself stiffly and short before telling Makoto to follow her to her office. “I’d like to speak to you about a couple of things before you can visit him.”

While following her towards a little room, Makoto tries to dry his sweaty hands on his jeans.

“Please, sit down,” Doctor Nakamura says when they’ve walked inside.

Makoto takes a seat, facing Haruka’s doctor; he almost feels like he’s the one who’s going to get test results for his own health instead of that of his best friend.

“W-why did you want to talk to me?” Makoto stammers. “I mean, I’m just a friend of Haruka.”

“Well, actually I was hoping you could give us some more information about Nanase, as he still refuses to talk most of the time.” Doctor Nakamura searches through some files on his computer while talking to Makoto. “But we’ll get to that later.”

Makoto nods slowly, suddenly starting to wonder if Haruka really asked for Makoto.

“I take you’d like to know a little more about Nanase’s situation.” Doctor Nakamura looks up at Makoto, her expression growing softer, or sadder almost; doctors usually talk to the parents, so Makoto can’t blame her for losing her professional posture from time to time.

She rests her hands on the table when asking if he has any questions he’d like to ask about Haruka.

“Uhm.” Makoto swallows. “Well, how is he doing? Will he be okay? What even happened?”

Doctor Nakamura’s expression tenses when Makoto blurts out all of his questions. Makoto immediately wonders if he made her annoyed by asking so many questions at once, but then her expression softens again and she says, “Let’s me just start off by explaining what happened. Then I’ll answer your other questions gradually, alright?”

Makoto nods and scolds himself for freaking out like that; he wouldn’t be here if Haruka wasn’t okay.

“You were informed that Nanase was in a car accident, am I right?”

Makoto nods, but also tells her that that’s about everything he knows.

“Alright.” Doctor Nakamura takes a calm breath. “So, as you know, Nanase was hit by a car while taking a run. Haruka wasn’t at fault, so most medical costs have gone to the drunk driver.”

Makoto’s hands ball into fists; if people would just stick to rules, Haruka wouldn’t be in the hospital right now. It makes Makoto so frustrated.

“I’m going to show you something,” Doctor Nakamura says while turning her computer screen towards Makoto. “This is an MRI of Nanase’s back, it will make what I’m going to explain to you a little easier to understand.”

Makoto looks at the MRI, wondering why she is showing this to him.

“Nanase’s waist probably collided with the front of the car, because we can clearly see there’s been some damage done to his lower back.” She points at some things in Haruka’s back, but Makoto can barely make out the difference from the normal MRI he’s seen in his biology class.

“Now this is where it really went wrong.” She points at Haruka’s neck on the picture.

Makoto’s breath catches in his throat, almost causing him to start coughing.

“We heard from a bystander that Nanase landed on the pavement in a strange way after being hit by the car,” Doctor Nakamura explains. “They made the mistake of moving Haruka to a safer place, while he had most likely already fractured part of his spine, making his injury more complicated.”

Doctor Nakamura looks at Makoto, her expression grim.

Makoto furrows his brow, he has no clue what she’s trying to say.

Doctor Nakamura takes a calm breath before saying, “Nanase suffers from a spinal cord injury.”

Again, Makoto catches himself frowning; he just wants her to be clear in what she’s saying.

“In his case this means-” her voice gets even softer. “Nanase is paralyzed from the neck down.”

Like a force hitting him in the face, Makoto feels all lightheaded. He can’t seem to understand what it means, yet he knows exactly what the consequences of being paralyzed are.

He shakes his head slowly, because this can’t be true; Haruka can’t be paralyzed.

“What?” Makoto whispers, but he doesn’t even know if he’s talking to himself or to Doctor Nakamura. He just wants to wake up, find out that this entire week was just a bad dream.

A hand taps on his, shaking Makoto out of his thoughts.

“Tachibana?” Doctor Nakamura asks. “I need you to just keep breathing calmly.”

Makoto is surprised by how calm she is. It’s almost making him angry; she just told him his best friend is paralyzed and now expects him to be able to stay calm.

“Do you need something to drink?” Doctor Nakamura asks, already getting up to get Makoto a cup of water. “You’re as white as a sheet.”

Makoto takes a sip of water as soon as Doctor Nakamura puts down the plastic cup, followed by a bigger gulp that causes the lightheadedness to go away for the most part. Makoto’s brain is still running wild, but at least he can now think clear enough to be able to ask questions.

“Paralyzed,” Makoto repeats to himself, almost as if checking if he can even say the word. “Is that the thing where someone can’t w-“ his voice trails off, he can’t say it when thinking about Haruka at the same time.

Doctor Nakamura’s expression tenses again, but her voice stays soft and calm when she answers. “Well, there are multiple ways of being paralyzed,” she explains as Makoto sips from his water. “In Nanase’s case, we’re talking about quadriplegia, which means he has no motor function in his arms or legs, and basically everything below his neck is affected by the spinal cord injury.”

Makoto can feel his stomach turning; Haruka not being able to move his limps is like a fish that can’t swim, it’s just unnatural and it shouldn’t be allowed to happen.

Makoto doesn’t want to talk, or even be in this office right now, but he forces the question out of throat. “Will Haruka be able to ever w-walk again?”

Doctor Nakamura shakes her head sadly and explains that the changes of him ever walking again are very slim. “He is still able to swallow, breathe and talk, which we were afraid he wouldn’t be doing without assistance anymore, so we think that with some good support and care your friend can still live a good and happy life.”

Makoto’s eyes shoot up at Doctor Nakamura with the words “good” and “happy”. He feels anger rising and he balls his fists, if he didn’t have as much self-restraint as he has right now, Makoto would’ve flown at her. Instead he just screams, “A good and happy life? You do know Haruka’s a sportsman right? It’s all he does! He swims _all the time_ ; becoming a pro-swimmer is basically all I can think of that would make him live a good and happy life.”

“Tachibana, I really need you to calm down,” Doctor Nakamura says, her voice sterner this time, because apparently Makoto has send his chair flying across the room when he yelled at her.

He forces himself to breathe, calm down, like she told him.

“We’re trying everything we can to help Nanase.” She gestures at the other chair standing in the room as a sign that Makoto should sit down again. “And, no, I wasn’t aware that he used to be a swimmer.” She pauses, and Makoto wants to ask her why she says “used to”, but he already knows the answer to that question; Haruka isn’t going to be swimming ever again.

“He hasn’t really talked to any of us other than asking for you once, we thought the accident had caused him to become mute,” she explains. “That’s why I wanted to talk to you.”

“Why me?” Makoto frowns, he doesn’t understand how he is supposed to help with Haruka; he’s not talkative towards anyone, he’s not going to talk to them more when Makoto is near.

Doctor Nakamura explains how she wants to keep it short, but she just would like to know if Haruka has any family near. “Any parents, older siblings or other close family that can take care of him?”

Makoto shakes his head and says, “Haruka does have parents, but he hasn’t spoken to them in years, and he’s an only child. His only close family was his grandmother and she passed away a while ago.”

Doctor Nakamura’s expression grows a little gloomy, but she quickly pulls herself back together and professionally thanks Makoto for his time before walking towards the door.

“I take you’ll want to go to Nanase now?” she says, opening the door.

Makoto nods, because he wants to see Haruka, but at the same time he’s terrified.

He follows Doctor Nakamura to a hallway where they come to a halt.

“It’s the room on the right end of the hallway, you’ll see his name on the sign,” Doctor Nakamura explains while pointing down the long white hallway with at least ten other rooms. “I personally think it will be best if you go in there alone, that might make him feel more comfortable than when I am with you.” She pauses and gives Makoto a polite nod. “Again, thank you for your time and answers. If you ever have questions regarding Nanase, feel free to ask me or one of my colleagues.”

Makoto nods and thanks her before walking down the hallway until he reaches Haruka’s room.

Staring at the wooden door, Makoto takes one more deep breath before knocking and saying, “I’m coming in now.” There’s no reply, as usual with Haruka, so Makoto just slides open the door.

The room looks like any other hospital room, with a bed in the middle and a few machines and a big window that lets in too much light, the only thing that’s unsettling is the fact that Haruka is lying in the oversized hospital bed.

“Good afternoon, Haruka.” Makoto forces a smile before he closes the door behind him.

He doesn’t want to look at Haruka, who’s clearly drugged up on some kind of painkillers that make him look al puffed up in his cheeks. He’s all scraped and bruised, and tight brace around his neck makes it clear that Haruka’s neck is broken.

Makoto swallows, because Haruka’s not even looking at him; he’s just staring at the black television screen across the room, because his bed has been put upright just a little.

“H-hi,” Haruka replies, his voice all rough and crackly and barely louder than the faint hospital noises that sound in the background. And even though he turns his eyes towards Makoto, Haruka’s expression or posture doesn’t chance at all.

Makoto stares at his feet as he walks further into the room and takes a seat on the chair that’s been propped on the foot end of Haruka’s bed. Now Haruka can see him clearly, so Makoto knows he has to at least pretend like all of this doesn’t hurt him; he needs to be strong for Haruka’s sake.

“So,” Makoto begins, trying to gain the strength to look at Haruka. “How are you?”

Makoto looks into Haruka’s eyes and it feels like his stomach turns inside-out; the bad news must’ve hurt Haruka on a whole other level if it even caused Haruka’s striking blue eyes to look dull.

Haruka averts his eyes quickly and after a short silence he lies by saying that he’s alright.

Makoto wants to ask him more, to make him speak the truth about how he’s feeling. But after knowing Haruka for so long Makoto can see in Haruka’s expression that he doesn’t want to answer questions. He just wants Makoto to be there and keep him company, he doesn’t need to talk with anyone or do anything other have the comfort of knowing that he’s not alone.


	2. Just an Ordinary Person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka has always counted down the months until he was just an ordinary person.  
> Now, lying in a hospital bed with little to no feeling in ninety percent of his body, Haruka realizes that he’s never going to be a normal person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> Yes... I know, I'm a liiiiittle early because I said the next chapter would be on next Sunday.  
> Fortunately, even though my internship causes me a shitton of stress and even more time, I've had some time to write over the last three days and have now already finished three-and-a-half chapter of this story, meaning I can upload this second chapter without getting myself in any time-problems.   
> Sunday the third chapter will be on, and I'll have to see if the fouth can possibly be uploaded next Thursday. 
> 
> Now enjoy this chapter!   
> (It's from Haru's POV by the way)
> 
> Love, Noa <3

“ _When you're ten, they call you a prodigy. When you're fifteen, they call you a genius. Once you hit twenty, you're just an ordinary person._ ”

That’s what the old phrase Haruka’s grandmother taught him said. Back then, Haruka had believed her, and he started counting down the years, months and days until he was an ordinary person.

Now, lying in a hospital bed with little to no feeling in ninety percent of his body, Haruka realizes that he’s never going to be a normal person. People are going to shoot him confused glances for the rest of his life, even more than they did before, because he’d be stuck in a wheelchair from now on.

Even after he’ll turn twenty, in three years, there will be someone to help him put on clothes, and help him in and out of bed and even with bathing someone will have to help him; an ordinary person doesn’t need that kind of help.

A disabled person, like Haruka now is, does.

It hurts to accept that after believing he’d become an ordinary person after so many years of being that quirky freak of the school. Now it’ll be even worse; he’ll just have to drop out of school and give up on swimming for good, because like Doctor Nakamura informed Haruka after Makoto’s visit last week, Haruka has to put all his strength into becoming emotionally stable. With that comes that he shouldn’t have any false believes, like being able to swim with his team in the future.

Haruka looks out through his window and sighs at the sight. It’s almost as if they’re trying to get him to snap; he can see the beach and the sea from here and it’s not like he can easily turn his head away with the hard plastic brace wrapped tightly around his neck.

Instead of turning his bed in a way that he can look at the bare walls or the door, they made sure that he could see outside. And whenever he tries to ask them to turn his bed away from the window it’s almost like his voice doesn’t want to work. He finds it very annoying.

Haruka closes his eyes, leaning with his head onto the pillow. It’s all bulky and he’s not lying in the right way; normally he’d lie on his side, because he always feels kind of sick to his stomach when lying on his back, but they only change his position when they’re stretching him in the morning.

They stretched him again this morning, but it feels so weird to have someone else do something Haruka used to be able to do himself. Stretching makes him feel like he can jump in the pool seconds later, but he hasn’t seen a drip of water other than the little gulp they give him with his medication.

Haruka opens his eyes again when a door opens behind him.

The loud tapping of heavy shoes moving across the room makes it clear that Nurse Endo is back again. Every time he enters the room there’s either bad news or medications that have to be taken or a catheter bag to be changed, in other words Haruka hates Nurse Endo’s presence a lot.

“Good afternoon, Nanase.”

Haruka hears his deep voice before the young male nurse wanders into his sight. He’s not carrying anything that looks like medication, so that’s good, but he is holding a file in his hands.

Haruka catches himself wondering about what’s in that file, but there’s no way Nurse Endo is going to show it to him.

“I have some good news,” he says, making eye contact with Haruka.

Haruka almost smiles, but there’s no way he can possibly smile in a bad situation like this one. Yet he is glad to hear that they finally come to his room with good news instead of more trouble.

That happiness doesn’t last long, though, because Nurse Endo soon adds, “And after that I need to talk with you about something really important.”

Haruka averts his gaze, because he doesn’t want to talk about anything right now, he just can’t. Shrugging would be a way of communicating without having to talk to any of these strangers, but that’s literally impossible now that he can’t control his body. And because of the brace around his neck he’s unable to nod or shake his head, so he wouldn’t know how to hold a conversation.

“Okay.” Nurse Endo puts down the file and smiles. “Good news first, I guess.”

Haruka has the impression that Nurse Endo is actually still a trainee, or at least someone with not too much experience of communicating with patients. He’s always slightly awkward, which makes Haruka feel really uncomfortable when around Nurse Endo.

“I’m happy to inform you that we’re going to take your neck brace off,” Nurse Endo says. “Of course, you’ll still have to be very careful.” 

Haruka closes his eyes briefly and sighs. He is right, it’s amazing news that that stupid brace can go in some bin, but he hates that Nurse Endo think it’s needed to tell Haruka he still has to be careful; it’s not like he’s going to move a lot in the next couple of weeks… or years.

Nurse Endo ignores Haruka’s sigh and continues talking about how Haruka’s neck injury hasn’t healed fully, but that it would take such a long time to heal and they just want to make his hospital stay as comfortable as possible. “So we decided that, since the brace isn’t really of any use in the healing process, it’d be nicer for you if I’d take it off.”

Haruka swallows, his throat always gets dry when they talk about the “healing process”, because he knows what they mean by that; not limiting the little movement he has and if he’s lucky, physiotherapy might help him regain some ability of moving his fingers so he can operate his future wheelchair himself instead of having somebody do that for him. That doesn’t sound quite like healing or much progress to him.

Nurse Endo carefully takes off the neck brace, and it feels like Haruka can breathe again. He very carefully tries moving his head and is happy to see that he can at least still do that.

“Feels better that way, doesn’t it?” Nurse Endo asks while putting the neck brace away.

Haruka nods slowly, being careful not to hurt his neck while doing so.

Nurse Endo smiles, seeming pretty relieved about actually being able to communicate with Haruka even when Haruka’s voice refuses to work when he’s not completely comfortable.

“And now for the _meh_ news,” Nurse Endo says, picking up the file again. “It’s about your healing process. You recall getting information about going to a rehab facility for the next month, right?”

Haruka nods again; he remembers that really well. Doctor Nakamura told him that he probably should get speech- and physiotherapy along with seeing a psychologist over the next couple of months. She also mentioned that they didn’t want to keep him in the hospital for too long, because that could slow down the process. She told him something about hospitals and facilities often giving off certain vibes that could influence a patient’s mental state, therefore they would send the patients to a close family member’s home so they’d only spend a couple of hours a day at a rehab facility, but she’d have to see how they’d do this in Haruka’s case.

Haruka wasn’t surprised to hear that Makoto was the one that told them about Haruka’s family issues. It also didn’t really surprise him that his parents, who left him “for his father’s work”, apparently didn’t even pick up the phone when the hospital tried calling them about the accident.

Haruka actually is pretty glad they didn’t pick up, he wouldn’t have been able to be taken care of by them day in, day out; being in a wheelchair is hard enough, being in the same house as his estranged parents won’t make it any better.

“You were supposed to spend only a couple of hours a day there,” he explains, his voice getting more careful and slower as he nears the actual problem at hand. “But since we can’t keep you in the hospital and you don’t have anywhere to go.”

Haruka knows Nurse Endo has to keep himself from adding that Haruka is in no state to keep living on his own and he never will be able to again, but that is basically what his expression is saying.

“So,” Nurse Endo continues. “We would like to advise you to move into a housing.”

A gasp gets caught in Haruka’s throat, causing him to suddenly feel lightheaded.

“Of course, you don’t have to do this if you know of any other options.” Nurse Endo uncomfortably shifts from one foot to the other while talking. “But there are many good housing facilities with the special care you need, and you’ll be living partially independedly with other quadriplegics.”

Haruka’s stomach turns at the thought of living among the other disabled people, being cared for by social workers twenty-four-seven while at the same time it’s called “living independedly”.

The door opens with a lot of noise, just when Nurse Endo is asking me to consider it so they can maybe look for a place that specializes in quadriplegic teenagers just like Haruka.

Haruka hear a voice saying, “You’re kidding, right?” and immediately knows that Makoto has entered the room. He probably heard most of the conversation, and isn’t happy about it.

“Tachibana.” Nurse Endo’s face is stern when he asks Makoto to wait outside just a little longer. “This is an important conversation we’re having here, so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t just barge in.”

Another reason why Haruka’s convinced that Nurse Endo’s pretty new; he cannot handle people walking into the room, especially not Makoto for some reason.

“What?” Makoto asks with an offended tone in his voice that Haruka has never heard before. “Why? So you can force Haruka to choose for some kind of facility?”

Haruka can only imagine Makoto waving his arms frantically while trying his best not to raise his voice at the young nurse. He always used to stay polite and friendly without trouble, but lately he seems to lose his temper much easier.

“Well, it is our best offer,” Nurse Endo replies, biting the inside of his cheek. “It would mean Haruka would be around people who’re going through the same, he’ll get cared for while at the same time being allowed to live as independedly as possible and—“

“Just stop.”

For the first time in his entire life Haruka hears Makoto interrupting someone who isn’t Haruka. It shocks him, how much all of this has changed Makoto’s patience.

Makoto lets out an annoyed chuckle, one that has Haruka never heard before. “Can you even hear what you’re saying right now? You think Haruka will _enjoy_ living at a place like _that_?”

Nurse Endo closes his eyes briefly, forces himself to be calm, and says, “I’m sorry to break it to you, but at the moment it’s our only option.”

Makoto goes silent and Haruka’s almost sure that Nurse Endo’s words have hit him so hard that even Makoto doesn’t know what to say anymore. Makoto almost immediately proofs him wrong, though.

His voice is silent, but stern, when he says, “I will take care of him.”

Haruka’s stomach turns and the sudden panic causes his vision to blur. His brain feels like it’s going to explode, because it can’t process all of the thoughts Makoto’s offer just aroused.

Nurse Endo looks just as surprised, because his mouth is gaping for a couple of seconds before he finally replies by simply saying, “What?”

“I’m serious.” Makoto sounds as serious as possibly can. “I will take care of Haruka.”

“But, Tachibana,” Nurse Endo starts stammering all of a sudden. “You know it’s not something to decide this quickly, it means taking care of someone for probably your entire life. And, well, usually the caregivers need quite a lot of training and equipment, which costs a lot.”

Makoto doesn’t stay silent, immediately tells Nurse Endo that if he can choose between letting Haruka go to some housing where strangers will treat him like he’s handicapped or dedicating his entire life to taking care of his best friend, he’d choose the latter in a heartbeat.

“Also,” Makoto continues, but Haruka wish he’d just shut his mouth now. “I will do any training I need, and buy the equipment needed, but please just don’t drop Haruka in some facility.”

Haruka closes his eyes; he wants Makoto to shut up and mind his own business. He can’t be serious about this, people say and do reckless things when they’re annoyed with someone.

Haruka glares at Nurse Endo, hoping he can talk Makoto out of it, but instead he just says, “Take some time to think about it, Tachibana, and of course get the permission of both your parents—“ Nurse Endo glances at Haruka and adds, “And Haruka, you would need to agree as well, but I’ll leave both of you some time to talk it over and think about it.”

Haruka looks down at his lap while Nurse Endo decides to leave the two guys alone. He’s aware that Haruka only speaks with Makoto so far, so he tells them to maybe talk about it with each other and in a couple of days they can make an appointment about it if they still want to do it.

“Makoto,” Haruka whispers as soon as the door closes. “What the heck were you thinking?”

Makoto walks into Haruka’s sight and takes a seat. His face is all red and he’s shaking a little, so it’s immediately clear that he got pretty frustrated with Nurse Endo.

“I-I don’t.” Makoto looks down at his lap before his expression changes into something more strong and certain. “Yes, I do. I want to be the one taking care of you, Haruka.”

“Drop the Haruka,” Haruka mumbles, rolling his eyes at Makoto’s old habits before saying, “You shouldn’t do this, Makoto.” He wants to tell Makoto that he’s throwing his life away, but the words get caught in his throat; he can’t say that when looking straight at Makoto.

Makoto shakes his head. “Actually, I think I should.”

Haruka stays silent, because when Makoto thinks he has the solution to something he can be really stubborn, even when Haruka tells Makoto he mustn’t ruin his own future like this.

“I won’t be able to have a moment of rest if you go to a special housing,” Makoto admits, his voice breaking as he nears the end of his sentence. “I just need to know you’re alright, and I know for a fact that you won’t be okay in a place like that, so in that case I’d rather be the one taking care of you.”

Haruka swallows, trying to get the lump in his throat to leave.

Of course, somewhere deep down Haruka knows Makoto is right; living at Makoto’s and being cared for by his best friend, even though he wouldn’t know if he would be comfortable with Makoto doing things like clean out his catheter or bathe him, it still sounds a thousand times better than being stuck in a caring home with many other strangers. But he doesn’t want this to change their friendship or the reason that Makoto is throwing his future away.

Makoto knows dead-well that if he takes this burden upon him, he won’t be able to finish school or go to college, do a full-time job or something other than taking care of Haruka day in day out.

And if Makoto is sure about it, he should do it, but Haruka can see in Makoto’s eyes that there’s still some hesitation. Haruka has no clue what the hesitation is about, maybe the medical bills or the reaction of his family, but Makoto clearly is not as sure about this as he claims to be.

“Please, consider it,” Makoto begs. “Okay?”

Haruka takes a deep breath and nods, maybe if he leaves Makoto to make the eventual choice he’ll come to senses somewhere later this week or maybe his parents will disapprove the idea.

Makoto glances away before whispering, “Thank you.”

His expression is gloomy, but completely serious, when he adds, “I just don’t want you do end up in some place where they’ll treat you like you’ve got problems or something.”

Haruka notices how Makoto balls his hands into shaky fists, which he’s only seen Makoto do when he’s either really mad or really sad about something. And all Haruka can think of it that Makoto is acting so strange because of what happened to him; it’s his fault.

“I don’t know.” Makoto looks down at his lap. “I just don’t want them to see you as just another disabled person. You’re still my best friend, I can’t have them treat you like that.”

Haruka looks at the sea in the distance, praying that Makoto can’t read his thoughts right now because he knows he wouldn’t like hearing what Haruka’s thinking right now.

_Eventually you will also see me like just another disabled person, Makoto…_ Haruka thinks to himself. _Because that’s what I am; just another one of those useless humans that will never be an ordinary person._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Makoto is certain he's 100% sure about his decision; he will be Haruka's legal caregiver!


	3. Just Trying to Understand can be Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka's going to live with Makoto... but is Makoto's family able to fully understand the pain Haruka's in after the accident?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey There!
> 
> Like I said, today would be a chapter uploaded too!  
> I'll try to have the next chapter done by Thursday, but since I have internship on Monday and Thuesday, and classes on Wednesday and Thursday, I can't promise that I'll make that deadline. Yet, I promise I'll try my hardest to have it finished!
> 
> Love, Noa <3

Makoto did it, it wasn’t easy, but he did it; he got everything arranged so Haruka can move in with them. He got permission of his parents, and explained the situation to Ren and Ran, and he also got Haruka and Doctor Nakamura to go along with his proposal of taking Haruka in.

Actually, Doctor Nakamura appeared to be the easiest one to convince; she was just happy that Haruka could go somewhere comfortable with people he already knows.

Haruka was second easiest, because even though he still doesn’t seem a fan of it, he has admit that he really didn’t like the idea of going to a caring house somewhere in Tokyo.

But Makoto’s parents proofed to be very hard to convince.

One night, two weeks ago after visiting Haruka, Makoto sat down with them and told them about his plan. His mother was shocked and said she didn’t know if it would be an amazing plan.

“I mean, he isn’t going to get better,” she told Makoto as if he didn’t already know that. “You have to be really sure that you _want_ to, and _can_ , do this for the rest of your life.”

With the help of Makoto’s father, she explained that it isn’t easy being someone’s caregiver when that person is still able to do some things themselves, but that Haruka would need full care with everything and that Makoto had to keep that in mind before settling on a decision.

His father also told him that it would be hard paying for everything, with three kids already living at this house they won’t be able to keep paying for Haruka’s medical bills for the rest of his life, and they would have to get a lot of equipment to even take Haruka in, in the first place. Of course, part of the medical costs would be paid by their insurance, but it’ll still be pricy.

Makoto was set on his decision and eventually got them to agree, if Makoto promised to explain to Ren and Ran, really carefully why Haruka was going to be living here and why he was in a wheelchair from now on; Makoto hadn’t explained them the details about the accident back then.

Of course, Makoto’s mother also wanted Makoto to at least try to finish high school for as much as possible; through taking online classes or going to school on days that one of his parents would be home and therefore could take care of Haruka.

That settled it, Haruka would be able to move in.

For two weeks, Makoto spend a lot of time at the hospital to get information about caring from a quadriplegics and also helping out with taking care of Haruka while still was at the hospital.

At home, Makoto’s mom got all of the needed equipment, like an adjustable bed, a transfer lift and a special remote-controlled wheelchair. And while they were at it, Ren and Ran helped Makoto with clearing out a room downstairs and making it look homier by decorating the wall with pictures.

And today it’s finally time; Haruka’s going to be moving in.

Makoto wakes up feeling sick to his stomach. He knows it’s probably because he’s nervous, but he’s also really excited about going to pick Haruka up, see him out of bed and in decent clothes for the first in a long time, and finally get him away from that boring hospital room.

He looks at himself in the mirror and seeing the pale-ish color of his skin and the dark bags under his eyes; it seems weeks ago that Makoto slept through an entire night, and he slept even less tonight.

He puts on a t-shirt and jeans, tries to make his hair look decent, before sauntering down the stairs and into the kitchen. Everyone is already sitting at the breakfast table when Makoto draws up to the table with a full bowl of rice, greens and scrambled eggs; at least his appetite seems back to normal.

“You’re going to get Haruka today right?” Ren asks.

Ran immediately adds, “And how late will you be coming back from picking him up?”

The twins seem to be the only people around the table who aren’t silenced by nerves, but that’s probably because they don’t see the severity of the situation just yet.

Of course, Makoto told them about the accident and how Haruka would be living here because he couldn’t take care of himself anymore because he couldn’t move. But Makoto’s pretty sure that they’ll really understand what he meant by that when Haruka’s spend his first day at their house.

Makoto smiles and says that they’ll probably be back just before lunch.

Ren and Ran won't be at school today because it's Saturday, so they probably are just really excited to see Haruka again after such a long time.

Makoto eats the rest of his breakfast is silence. Sometimes someone clears their throat or says something out of context, but overall it's pretty silent at the breakfast table.

After breakfast, Makoto heads to the hospital.

Both Nurse Endo and Doctor Nakamura are standing in Haruka's room when Makoto arrives. They're talking Haruka through all of the things he needs to remind Makoto of, like Makoto hasn't paid any attention, but they probably do it because Makoto will have a lot to think of and might forget things.

Makoto knocks on the door before walking inside.

It's a completely different sight from usually; the room is mostly empty, there's only a little suitcase lying on the made bed, and Haruka is sitting in his new wheelchair. Nurse Endo turns Haruka wheelchair towards the door, so he can see Makoto.

Makoto thinks that it looks alright, at least the wheelchair looks comfortable and it's remote controlled so if Haruka regains some strength in his fingers or hands he'll be able to easily roll himself around, but at the same time the image is haunting. Haruka in a wheelchair just looks unnatural, because he's someone who used to run and swim almost the entire time.

It's even worse than seeing Haruka lay in a bed all the time, because now Makoto really realizes that this will be permanent. Of course, he knew this before, but now he actually sees the severity with his own eyes.

"Are you ready, Haruka?" Makoto asks with a smile, it is in fact a real smile but it might not seem that way since Makoto is extremely nervous.

Haruka's eyes meet his and, just like Makoto, he seems quite nervous about going to be getting full care by Makoto. But even though his expression is tense, Haruka nods and smiles with his eyes.

"You got everything?" Nurse Endo asks after giving Haruka's suitcase to Makoto.

Makoto nods and explains that even if that were not the case, they'd have a spare one of everything at home. And after going over a few more things, they leave the hospital behind, hoping never to return for anything other than Haruka's weekly check-ups.

When they move through the doors, Makoto pushing Haruka's wheelchair, Makoto immediately wonders how this is feeling for Haruka. For the first time in over a month, Haruka is allowed to go outside the hospital walls, there must be some form of happiness. But when Makoto asks Haruka about it, the only answer he gets is, "Strange".

Makoto can get that, the past month has been a rollercoaster for the both of them and the thought of Haruka permanently being under Makoto's care is a strange thought.

Makoto takes the longer route home, because he doesn't want to walk along the beach like they normally would; it would just be another way of torturing Haruka to do such thing, the fact that he's paralyzed is hard enough. But it does take about ten minutes longer to get home, because they have to search for ways to get to Makoto's house that have pathways uphill instead of stairs and aren't too crowded.

When they finally reach Makoto's, and now also Haruka's, home it is almost lunchtime like Makoto expected.

He crouches down in front of Haruka's wheelchair, looking for a way to get it over the little doorstep, when he notices a flower is stuck in Haruka's messy hair. Makoto wonders if he should say something about it, and if Haruka has even noticed the flower is there.

Awkwardly, Makoto mumbles, "Haru, you have something in your hair."

Haruka looks at Makoto and raises his eyebrows, almost like he's saying, "Yeah? I can't get it out and you know that."

"Uhm," Makoto stammers, reaching out to the little cherry blossom. "Wait, I'll get it out for you."

He picks the soft, pink flower from Haruka's greasy hair and shows it to him. Haruka glances at the cherry blossom and his face seems to grow gloomier.

"It was just a little flower," Makoto says before letting the cherry blossom float away in the wind.

Makoto takes the suitcase inside first, because it's keeping him from getting Haruka inside. After putting the suitcase down on the stairs, Makoto gets Haruka inside and closes the door behind them.

"Well, uhm, welcome to your new home." Makoto spreads his arms wide, gesturing at their hallway. "I guess."

"You know I've been here before, right Makoto?" Haruka chuckles, which for is a big relief.

Makoto's cheeks get redder, but he quickly changes the subject to showing Haruka his new room. "We had a big room left downstairs, so we made that into your bedroom. Other than that the kitchen, living room and dining room are all still downstairs."

Haruka nods, Makoto knows Haruka's aware that they gave up Ren and Ran's playroom for Haruka's new bedroom. Makoto wants to add that the twins were glad about being able to give their playroom to Haruka, but decides that that's useless information.

Instead he brings Haruka to his new bedroom and explains him all about where stuff can be found.

"I got some of your clothes from your old home," Makoto says, gesturing at a closet. "There's more than enough clothes, so if you feel dirty, just tell me and I'll help you get on some new clothes."

Makoto is trying his very best, but he still feels like he's not taking Haruka's arrival well enough; he's all awkward and he's clearly making Haruka uncomfortable too. So he stops saying too much, just shows Haruka the most important things.

When Makoto's mom shouts that lunch is ready, Makoto feels so relieved; finally he won't have to continue this awkward tour through a house that Haruka knows just as well as he does.

Ren, Ran and Makoto's parents are already seated around the table when Makoto rolls Haruka into the room.

Usually his siblings would be seated next to Makoto, but now the spot next to Makoto has been held open for Haruka's wheelchair to fit around the table as well. It's not like Haruka could sit on his usual seat, across from Makoto, because even with eating Makoto will have to be able to feed Haruka.

He makes sure to put Haruka's wheelchair on the brake, before sitting down himself and starts scooping food onto both of their plates.

"What topping do you want, Haru?" Makoto asks, hovering his chopsticks above the slices of mackerel that his mom made especially for Haruka's arrival.

Haruka's looking at his empty bowl of rice before admitting that some mackerel would be nice. "Nothing else, please."

Makoto places the mackerel on top of the rice and after that tops off his own rice with some of the greens and other things his mom made.

"Are you sure you don't want any vegetables?" Makoto's mom asks. "You usually eat at least a few."

Haruka looks up at Makoto's mom and swallows audibly. Makoto wonders if Haruka is just not feeling well, or he's just not interested in the food.

"Alright," Haruka mumbles. "And some vegetables."

Again Makoto does as his friend asks, because it's the least he can do.

Ren and Ran stare at Makoto en Haruka with gaping mouths; it must be really strange to them that Makoto is feeding Haruka instead of Haruka doing it himself like he normally would. Makoto, and Haruka probably as well, knows that Ren and Ran don't mean to be rude by glaring at them. They're just a little confused, but they're staring mainly because they want to understand.

"So, uhm," Ran whispers, she looks down at her food.

"Uhm," Ren follows. "H-how are you, Haru?"

Makoto frowns; he's never seen the talkative twins this hesitant to ask something, especially when they're asking Haruka something. Usually they'd run up to him, or bombard him with a million questions at a time, Makoto thought that would also be the case now, but he was wrong.

Haruka swallows the food that's in his mouth and forces a smile, probably to show them that their questions don't bother him. "I'm pretty good."

Ren and Ran both smile back at him shyly.

Makoto looks at Haruka, who's trying his best to stay the same as he always has been when around the twins. Of course, in most parts Haruka is still exactly the same, but seeing him like this might make the twins think he isn't the same person anymore. I mean, all they know Haruka for is that silent, but competitive guy that keeps beating their big brother in both games and stamina; that isn't the case anymore.

They ask a couple of more questions, like whether it hurts and for how long Haruka will be living here. They don't completely realize that those are pretty painful questions for Haruka to answer, and they aren't easy for Makoto either, but they're just asking them because they want to understand what's going on so badly.

When they're done eating, Makoto and Haruka are still busy trying to clear their plates. Makoto can feel the tension around the table whenever his hand with chopsticks and a little bit of food goes up to Haruka's mouth. Maybe everyone in the room sees Haruka's problems best at those moments, but it could also just be Makoto's imagination.

When the final bite goes up to Haruka's mouth, Ren and Ran immediately ask what they seemed to be holding back all the time.

"Makoto," Ren asks, and Ran adds Haruka's name. "Can we maybe do something together? Like drawing or a game?"

Makoto shrugs before looking at Haruka, who's cheeks are just blushing lightly. He probably didn't think the twins would still want to do games with them when Haruka can't even participate.

"What do you think, Haruka?" Makoto asks.

When he nods, Haruka's eyes seem to shine again even though he has never been a real extravert. Makoto never noticed how much Haruka actually likes being around the twins, but right now he's pretty sure Haruka never minded having to play with Makoto's younger siblings when coming by for a day or two. He didn't mind it back then, and fortunately he doesn't seem to mind right now.

The twins both let out a happy cheer before running upstairs to get some games or paper, while Haruka and Makoto both go to the living room.

"Maybe a weird question," Makoto says, rubbing the back of his head. "But do you want to stay in your wheelchair or would you prefer sitting on the couch with us?"

Haruka looks down at his lap and then at the couches. His expression doesn't chance, but his eyes get happier, when he tells Makoto he would love sitting on the couch with them.

The twins come storming into the living room when Makoto is just carrying Haruka from his wheelchair onto the couch. Usually he'd use the lift for things like this, but since Haruka's muscles took off so much after the accident he's gotten so light comparing to Makoto, Makoto can pick him up and carry him around with ease.

Ren and Ran wait for Haruka to be nicely seated on the couch before sitting down, one on each side of Haruka. Makoto saw Ren thinking about sitting down on Haruka's lap, like he normally does, but he changed his mind before sitting down. Ran on the other hand knows not to flop down on Haruka's lap right away, and instead asks if she can sit on Makoto's with as compromise that Makoto can sit next to Haruka too.

"So, what are we going to do?" Makoto asks while lifting Ran onto his lap.

There's paper, markers and a couple of family games and of course Ren and Ran's Nintendo DS with a couple of games.

"Haru can choose," Ren says, but his eyes are focussed on his blue Nintendo DS.

Haruka seems to notice this and says he'd like to play some games with them. Makoto adds, "But only if you let us watch you play, alright?"

"Yep!" the twins chirp as they both grab their own Nintendo and flap it open.

Makoto and Haruka both look as Ren and Ran play Mario Kart on their Nintendo. At some point after about ten minutes of Ren and Ran basically tie-ing at the end of the race, Ran asks if Makoto wants to race for her. Ren, on reflex, asks Haruka if he wants to play on Ren’s Nintendo.

“Uh,” Haruka replies, glancing at Makoto.

Makoto feels his heartbeat racing when he opens his mouth to explain Ren about Haruka’s injury for the third time. Fortunately Ren is smart enough to realize his mistake and quickly corrects himself.

“I-I mean,” he mumbles, looking up and Haruka and forcing a smile. “We can be a team, the two of us against Makoto and Ran, okay?”

Haruka’s eyes get bigger and happier before he nods, and Makoto feels a smile appearing on his face when he sees the blush on Haruka’s cheeks. Haruka even smiles a little smile when Ren starts racing.

Makoto loses from his younger brother, but that’s because he’s really distracted by the expression on Haruka’s face; it’s so peaceful and almost happy, which Makoto didn’t think he’d see on Haruka’s face ever again. But here it is, glad and calm and almost like he’s accepted that he’s different.

Of course, this is only for a moment, because Haruka’s smile does fade away slowly.

Yet every time when the twins make it clear that they understand Haruka’s disability in a childlike way, a ghost of a smile shoots across Haruka’s face; as Makoto already noticed, Haruka’s just glad to be accepted for who and how he will be for the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:   
> The swim club comes by for a visit...  
> but why are dinner parties just so awkward???


	4. This is why Dinner Parties are Uncomfortable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says enough...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey There!
> 
> So, I'm now writing the draft for the last chapter! So every Thursday and Sunday there will be a new chapter!  
> Also, the title is fitting for the chapter of course, but it's also kind of my oppinion about dinnerparties... hehe 
> 
> Love, Noa <3

It’s only the second day that Haruka’s living at Makoto’s, but things have already proofed themselves to be very difficult. Like, every time Makoto tries to help Haruka both of them feel really sad.

Makoto seems sad because he never seems to be able to do things good or quick enough, even though Haruka doesn’t mind that at all; Makoto is new to everything after all, he’ll have to learn it slowly and stepwise before being able to pick up the pace.

Haruka does also get annoyed and extremely sad because of Makoto’s help though, but that’s more because every time Makoto brings food up to his mouth, or washes Haruka with a wet towel, or uses the lift to bring Haruka from his bed to his wheelchair, Haruka gets reminded of his disability even more than he already is the other moments of the day.

This morning, it happened again that Haruka just got very depressed when Makoto was stretching Haruka’s legs. Makoto was doing it alright, he knows how to stretch and Haruka felt that Makoto’s probably doing it better than the nurses at the hospital, but still pain shot through his body.

It’s a strange sensation, because Haruka could barely feel the warmth and touch of Makoto’s hands pressing down on his leg, but he did feel pain shooting through his leg and along his spine.

It hurt so much that he just felt like crying.

Haruka didn’t cry, but felt stinging pain for a while after Makoto finished stretching him.

Other than that, the morning seemed alright. Haruka watched a movie while Makoto tried to make some homework on the couch beside Haruka, and after that Haruka took a short nap because he had barely slept at night. So before he knew it was lunchtime.

Now Haruka is sitting at the table, watching Makoto as he gets their lunch from the fridge. Apparently Makoto’s mother loves making the boys lunch so much that she even makes them bento-boxes on her own workdays and when Makoto and Haruka are not even going to school.

Makoto puts them down in front of Haruka on the table, and sits down.

Haruka feels hurt causing his stomach to turn when Makoto brings a bite of rice up to Haruka’s mouth. He’s barely hungry, and if Makoto wouldn’t get extremely worried if Haruka didn’t eat, Haruka wouldn’t take the rice from the chopsticks.

“So,” Makoto says while Haruka takes the bite of rice. “I, uhm, I don’t know if you will like this—“ his voice trails off, making Haruka wonder about what Makoto’s going to say.

He’s afraid all of a sudden, because Makoto’s expression looks grim; it’s almost as if he’s going to tell Haruka that Makoto has decided it’s too much to take care of him and Haruka will have to go to a care housing for quadriplegics anyway.

Haruka tilts his head as much as he can, encouraging Makoto to continue talking. He waits patiently while chewing on the rice, trying to keep his turning stomach and racing heart under control.

“I kind of invited Nagisa and Rei to come over for dinner,” Makoto admits, looking guiltier than needed for asking friends over. He even turns away when he adds, “Oh, and Rin and Gou too.”

Haruka glances at Makoto, who looks like he just murdered Haruka’s favorite stay cat.

“Okay,” Haruka replies, trying not to sound too monotone. “That’s alright.”

Makoto looks up, his expression full of relief when he asks, “You don’t mind?”

Haruka shakes his head; of course he doesn’t mind.

He knows that Nagisa, Rei and Gou probably just miss him a lot, not that he could imagine his absently being really obvious since he always was more introverted than the rest of the swim club.

They were really sad and shocked after hearing about what happened to Haruka, at least that’s what Makoto told Haruka. And Haruka doesn’t want to push them away any longer.

And, well, he’s not really glad that Rin is coming over too, but he probably still felt a little guilty for being a dick to Haruka. Not that Haruka really cared about that, because he enjoyed being Rin’s rival no matter how serious they could get.

Even Rin must’ve been somewhat shocked too when he heard the news from Gou, and he probably also wants to see for himself that Haruka’s doing okay; Rin’s human too.

And even if all of those things didn’t play a role, Haruka wouldn’t mind a visit. Actually he’d kill for some distraction, staring at a television screen or out of a window doesn’t really keep his mind off the fact that he can barely feel anything of his body.

“Pfew, I didn’t think you would be pleased with me at all,” Makoto says under his breath while bringing a bite of mackerel and rice to Haruka’s mouth. “I’m glad you don’t mind.”

Haruka closes his eyes briefly and nods, which has become his new way of shrugging.

Just like Makoto had announced that afternoon, by the time the table has been set for dinner the doorbell rings. It startles Haruka; Makoto’s house had never been that quiet before, because Ren and Ran and Makoto’s parents are eating out while the guys can chat a little over a nice dinner.

Makoto quickly puts down the last plates and bowls before quickly making his way to the door.

Haruka doesn’t have to listen closely to hear Nagisa’s happy chattering and Rei’s smart comments.

It doesn’t surprise Haruka that the two of them got here together and he’s actually glad they’re not alone, because that would mean they’d get all awkward when seeing Haruka for the first time after the accident, while now they’re together and can support each other.

This is exactly how Haruka hopes it’ll go when Nagisa and Rei follow Makoto into the kitchen.

Haruka’s eyes meet Nagisa’s first. Never before has Haruka seen Nagisa’s smile falter, but for a second it looks like Nagisa is going to burst out in tears.

Haruka awkwardly averts his gaze, trying to swallow the lump in his throat; maybe he was wrong thinking that it wouldn’t get all weird this way.

“So, why don’t you both take a seat?” Makoto chirps, clearly trying his hardest to sound cheerful and welcoming. “You can sit everywhere, but I think it’s most convenient if I sit on Haru’s right side.”

“Alright,” Rei replies, his voice a little gloomy.

They sit down on the other side of the table. Nagisa’s facing Haruka and Rei is seated beside Nagisa.

“How are you doing, Haru?” Nagisa asks, sounding a little more like his normal cheerful self now that his not awkwardly standing in the doorway anymore. Maybe it’s also because everyone, except Makoto, is sitting down now which makes it less obvious that Haruka cannot stand up.

Haruka swallows audibly before replying by saying that he’s okay.

Rei joins the conversation by saying, “I’m really glad Makoto’s nice enough to let you live at his house.” He readjusts his glasses, but more out of uncomfortability than anything else.

Haruka nods, because Rei actually is right about that even though it’s not really a comment to keep the conversation going. Because of that, the conversation dries up and everyone goes silent again.

Fortunately their awkward small talk gets cut short when the bell rings again.

Rin and Gou wander into the dining room not long after Makoto runs away to open the door. Gou seems to be the calmest under the circumstances and immediately greets Haruka with a smile.

It’s probably because she’s already been through a hard time with her dad in the past and therefore isn’t really faced by messed up situations like this, or that’s what Haruka thinks at least.

It’s strange if that would be the case though, because Rin doesn’t seem adjusted to the strange situation at all. He’s glaring at the floor, and at his plate once he’s seated on the left side of Haruka.

Finally, Makoto also sits down and tells everyone to please start eating.

It’s completely silent, and extremely uncomfortable, while everyone’s busy loading their plates with food Makoto’s mother made earlier this evening before she left the boys alone.

“Delicious food,” Nagisa says, moaning a little to show how much he likes it. “Your mom can really cook amazingly, Makoto!” He takes another bite.

Makoto smiles, and tells Nagisa he’ll tell his mother later this evening, before turning towards Haruka. Makoto’s eyes seem apologetic for dragging Haruka into this awkward dinner, but his mouth is still smiling when he asks, “So, Haruka, what would you like to eat?”

Haruka feels like shrugging, because it all looks eatable to him, but because he can’t he says, “You can pick.” He pauses, but quickly adds, “But give me some of that mackerel too.”

Makoto chuckles and nods before reaching for the bigger lumps of well-cooked fish.

“You’re still not off your mackerel diet,” Nagisa says with a grin. “Aren’t you, Haru?”

Haruka averts his eyes, shaking his head lightly. He just finds it strange that apparently they thought his likings and preferences in food would change when his body’s way of functioning changes.

“Nope,” Makoto answers with a smirk. “Still eats mackerel every day, so he’s lucky my mother decided to buy a lot of the fish when she heard Haru was moving in.”

They chat a little more about how Haruka’s love for mackerel is slightly strange, and for a moment everything seems normal again. It’s when Makoto feeds Haruka a bite that the room goes silent again, because even though Haruka and Makoto have already gotten somewhat used to Haruka needing the help with eating, but the others aren’t at all used to the situation yet.

Haruka feels like an animal at the zoo, with everyone staring at him like that, and even the mackerel he usually loves tastes lightly sour when his stomach is basically doing back flips.

Rei swallows audibly before admitting that he’s wanted to ask something all evening.

“What is it you want to ask?” Makoto asks, taking a mouthful of his own food.

Rei looks down at his plate and asks, “So, Haru, you’re not able to move at all?”

Haruka’s heart seems to stop, because he had hoped not to have to answer this question tonight.

Haruka shakes his head before Makoto starts explains what exactly is the aftermath of the injury Haruka sustained during the accident.

Everyone listens in silence, mouths gaping.

Haruka's aware of the fact that Makoto had already told them about the accident and Haruka being paralyzed, but he apparently never told them the details.

"Wow," Gou whispers, glancing at her older brother who's staring down to his plate.

Rin hasn't even touched his good and Haruka has never seen Rin's expression this sad before.

Haruka swallows audibly when Makoto offers him another bite of food, because Haruka's not at all hungry anymore.

Everyone is silent, shocked about Haruka's physical state. All of them are looking sad and gloomy, until Nagisa says, "But at least you're still Haru, Haru." 

"Nagisa is right. We were really worried you might not be doing well," Rei says, and Gou nods and adds, "We've heard this can really change people's way of thinking and acting."

Nagisa smiles wide before telling Haruka that they're just glad that he's still the same silent, introverted and mackerel-loving Haruka they've always known. 

Haruka glances at Makoto; did he know that the group was going to say that, or is he just as shocked at Haruka? The latter seems more likely, because it takes Makoto a while to readjust and reply to the situation. But after a couple of seconds, Makoto turns to Haruka and smiles wide.

"I totally agree with them," Makoto says.

Haruka looks at the group of people, all of them have sad but glad smiles plastered on their faces except for Rin, who's just glancing at something on the other side of the room.

Haruka forms a little smile and thanks his friends, because unlike Haruka's fears, they still accept him and they still see that his physical appearance doesn't defy his mind.

Nagisa takes a glass in his hands and lifts it into the air. "To Haru!"

Everyone does the same, Makoto with two glasses, and they all chirp, "To Haru!" It makes Haruka's inside feel all warm and his cheeks are likely to be very red right now.

But that doesn't bother him, because he feels great; he's really smiling.

He keeps smiling a little when Nagisa and Rei tell Makoto and Haruka about how this actually got them closer. Because of shock they shared, Rei and Nagisa spend a lot of time with the two of them. And only a short while after Haruka’s accident, Nagisa and Rei started dating. 

Haruka is glad that his injury didn’t only cause people pain and harm, like it did to him and Makoto, it also got Nagisa and Rei into a deeper relationship and it got Gou a reason to plan a lot of things to get new people into the swim club, which she secretly really enjoys.

The only one who seems to be in just as much mental hurting as Haruka and Makoto is Rin.

He barely speaks, he has only greeted them with a mumble when he got inside and he says goodbye to the others when they leave, but that’s all he says over the course of the entire evening.

Gou, Rei and Nagisa all go home together, but Rin decides to stay a little longer for some unknown reason. It’s not like he showed any signs of enjoying himself, but Haruka can’t just send him away.

“Haru,” Rin says under his breath, frowning uncomfortably. “I’m sorry.”

Haruka frowns too, because he has no clue what Rin is apologizing for. Or why he’s doing it when nobody, not even Makoto, is around. And more than anything, why he looks this guilty.

“Why?” Haruka asks.

Rin looks up, tears filling up his eyes when he says, “Just sorry for everything… About the accident, for being such an asshole to you and… and—“ Rin’s voice trails off, his tears start flowing.

Haruka swallows audibly before telling Rin that he doesn’t have to sorry about such stupid things. “For starters, the accident wasn’t your fault, Rin.”

Rin looks up at Haruka and lets out a sob.

“It was just a drunk guy that wasn’t paying attention,” Haruka continues, not stopping when Makoto wanders into the dining room again. “And about you being a dick about swimming, we were rivals, it’s not like I can blame you for being competitive. I wanted to win too, that’s what being rivals is about.”

Rin glares at Haruka like he just told the redhead that Haruka’s stupid body suddenly works again; happiness and relief lighting up Rin’s eyes.

“Y-you’re not mad?” Rin asks in between sobs.

Haruka shakes his head, still not getting why he should be mad in the first case.

Rin thanks Haruka about fifty times and cries for a little longer, finishing an entire pack of tissues, before heading back to his dorm room at Samazuka.

Even though it was an exhausting evening, and Haruka is glad to finally be in bed by eleven PM, he had to admit that he’s happy that Makoto asked their friends over. Haruka had really missed them, even though he might not have noticed it so much when his brain was occupied with other things.

So, before Makoto turns off the lights in Haruka’s room, Haruka opens his mouth and whispers, “We should do something like that again soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Maybe Haruka's doing worse than he shows Makoto...   
> but all he can see is a future of pain and suffering.


	5. The Future of Pain and Suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Haruka can see is a future of pain and suffering...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey There!
> 
> I'm working on the draft for the final chapter now! Yay!  
> I miiiight work on a sequel for one of my more popular Free! stories after this one, but I'm not sure... It's like I'm scared to start such a big project again haha.   
> We shall see.
> 
> Anyway! Enjoy this chapter, but first;  
> Trigger warnings:  
> \- Pessimistic (maybe even depressed) behaviour  
> (let me know if there are more needed)
> 
> Love, Noa<3

It’s the warmest morning so far, since Haruka’s accident, and since the sweaty weather is arriving again Makoto thinks it’s time for Haruka to go in bath or under the shower. But that means Makoto will have to get Haruka to stop refusing to be helped with taking a bath. And he’s been failing at that for quite a while now.

“Why can’t you just let me help you?” Makoto asks, feeling too hopeless. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

Haruka perks his eyebrow and averts his gaze before saying, “To me it is kind of a big deal, Makoto.”

Makoto paces up and down the room. He’s really getting annoyed with Haruka’s behavior, because he just needs Haruka to not reek of sweat and yesterday’s mackerel; Makoto misses the smell of chlorine and clean water coming off of his best friend.

“You really have to be cleaned, okay?” Makoto shoots back, sharpness in his voice. “And I don’t mean with a wet towel.” Makoto and Haruka had already tried using the wet-towel-method, but that didn’t work at all. It only made Haruka’s skin all flaky from scrubbing; he really needs to just be in a pool of water, which shouldn’t be such a huge problem for Haruka but apparently it is.

Haruka rolls his eyes at Makoto, which he’s barely ever done before.

It actually hurts Makoto when Haruka does this, because he only does it when he’s really annoyed.

“Alright.” Haruka sighs. “You can help me get in the bath.”

Makoto takes a deep breath of relief; finally Haruka has realized that he needs a quick bath to get clean again. And he also accepts it when Haruka adds, “But leave me alone while I’m bathing.”

It’s normal that Haruka wants some space, and Makoto knows this. It’s still all really weird for Haruka to not be able to do things himself, so Makoto does as Haruka asks; he helps Haruka to get into the bath and find a nice position to lay down and leaves Haruka so he can soak in the lukewarm water with skin caring soap for a while.

Makoto cleans Haruka’s room in the meantime, because he barely had any time to clear the room from dust, spilled water and other fluids and filthy clothing. Everything that’s been thrown on the floor has been piling up in the corner, but Makoto was just always too busy to actually clean.

It’s when Makoto is carrying the laundry-basket to the washing machine in their pantry, when he hears muffled screams come from the bathroom next door.

Makoto drops the laundry on the floor when he realizes that it’s Haruka’s screams he’s hearing.

He runs into the bathroom to find Haruka with his head underwater; screaming and gasping for air.

Makoto throws himself onto the ground when he reaches the bathtub, dragging Haruka out of the water by wrapping his hands around his shoulders and swinging Haruka forward.

“Breathe!” Makoto says while rubbing Haruka’s back. “Come on, breathe with me Haruka.”

Haruka’s gasping, his breathing all squeaky and shivery.

Makoto can feel Haruka’s chest rising and falling at an abnormal pace, as Haruka’s chest is leaning on Makoto’s arm. In an attempt to try to calm Haruka down, Makoto decides to lift Haruka from the tub.

He feels so guilty when he sees the purple color of Haruka’s lips and the ghostlike paleness of his skin; he should’ve seen right away that Haruka’s been feeling off from the moment he woke up.

Makoto feels guilty, because he should’ve known that this would end wrong.

“It hurts,” Haruka gasps, his eyes are closed tightly. “Stop it… it hurts.”

Makoto carefully lays his hand on Haruka’s chest, praying he could feel it if there’s water in Haruka’s lungs, but the only thing abnormal is how quickly Haruka’s breathing and how fast his heart is racing. It’s almost like he’s hyperventilating or having a panic attack or something like that.

“It hurts?” Makoto asks, propping Haruka up with his back against the wall. “Tell me where it hurts.”

Haruka’s fingers are jerking pretty badly and his entire body is tensed up; Makoto hasn’t seen Haruka’s muscles this tight since they accident.

“Hey, don’t do that, Haruka.” Makoto tries to stop Haruka’s hands from having spasms by carefully massaging them. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

Haruka doesn’t look up when Makoto also starts massaging his shoulders and arms, to stop them from tightening up like Nurse Endo had taught Makoto, but Haruka does mumble something almost inaudible. It sounds harsh, yet he does also seem afraid.

“What did you say?” Makoto says while working his thumbs into the cavities of Haruka’s shoulders.

Haruka does look up now, his eyes filled with pain and tears when he shouts, “Don’t touch me!”

Makoto lets go off Haruka in an instance, holding his hands up in the air like he got caught stealing something from a store. But Haruka’s intense anger in his eyes, is creeping Makoto out.

He doesn’t know what he’s done wrong, because all he did was listen to Haruka’s request to be left alone. Makoto couldn’t have known that Haruka would slide underwater.

Haruka’s breathing heavily and his voice is shaking when he whispers, “It’s not like I asked for your help—“ Haruka’s voice trails off; he seems to realize that the words he just said really hurt Makoto.

“What?” Makoto says, tears filling up his eyes as he shakes his head. “You didn’t ask… should I just have let you drown then? Because you didn’t ask for my help?”

Haruka doesn’t reply, he just averts his eyes.

“Because that’s bullshit, Haruka.” Makoto rubs in his eyes. “You’re my best friend, you shouldn’t have to ask for help, and I shouldn’t have to ask your permission before saving you from drowning.”

“J-just.” Haruka’s face is red and anger is written all over him. “Just look at me and tell me how much you really saved?” He isn’t even showing any emotion, other than anger, when he adds, “Because all I see is a broken body that isn’t even worth saving.”

Makoto gasps, taking his hand up to his mouth. He hears and feels his own voice shaking when he asks, “Y-You wanted me to just let you drown… is that it?”

Haruka rolls his eyes in anger and yells, “That’s not what I’m saying!”

“So?” Makoto’s rubbing his eyes so aggressively that he can barely think. “What _are_ you saying?”

Haruka swallows audibly before telling Makoto that he never asked for this care. “I never asked you to take me in and throw away your entire future to care for something as worthless as me!”

Makoto shakes his head and whispers, “You’re not worthless, Haruka, stop saying such things.”

“I-I just.” Haruka closes his eyes briefly. “I just wish you would stop dragging my problems into your own life… because it’s none of your business, Makoto, I could’ve gone to a housing and been fine.”

“But you wouldn’t be fine.” Anger rises in Makoto’s chest when he realizes that he’s being blamed for trying his best to help Haruka. “You wouldn’t even have a future if you’d live in such place.”

“What future?” Haruka grimaces when the sentence leaves his mouth. "What is it you see in my future? Because all I can see is the pain and suffering of being crippled!"

Makoto opens his mouth, wanting to say so much things varying from "You still can have a good future, that's why I took you in" all the way to the weak reply of "I'm just worried".

But before Makoto can even say anything, Haruka scoffs and says, "That's what I thought... just stop throwing away your future if you can't even give me an argument about mine matters."

Makoto gets on his feet, but his body feels all numb from the blood that's rushing to his head; making his ears thump and tears flow.

"Y-you." Makoto lets out a sob while slowly moving to the bathroom door, dragging his feet behind him. 

When standing in the doorway, with the door in his hand, Makoto winces. It's like his entire body, heart and soul, hurts when he whispers, "You unthankful little--".

He swallows the last word, because he can't say it, and runs out of the bathroom.

As soon as Makoto reaches his bedroom he lets himself fall down onto his bed. His body jolts and shivers while he sobs and cries.

He lays there, with his face buried in his pillow, for god-knows-how-long before he finally finds the strength to sit upright again.

It's not because he's going back to Haruka, he can't do that right now; it's because Makoto's mother is standing in the doorway.

"What's going on with the two of you?" she asks while walking up to Makoto. "It's unlike you to fight like that... and you leaving Haruka all naked on the bathroom floor like that? What happened?"

Makoto winces; of course his mom found out about the fight sooner than later.

"Makoto," she whispers, taking her hand through Makoto's hair. "Talk to me."

Makoto lays his head in her lap, something he hasn't done in months, and starts crying again. "I'm just--" Makoto's voice trails off, because he doesn't know what to tell his mom; it's not like he has excuses or arguments for why he left his best friend, who truly needs his help, on the bathroom floor to shiver in cold.

Makoto's mother rubs Makoto's back and he lets out sobs and tries to think of what to tell her.

"You're not yourself lately," she eventually tells Makoto. "It's like you're there, but at the same time you're more absent than ever before."

Makoto nods into her lap and whispers that he has barely gotten any rest over the past couple of days. "I'm exhausted, constantly thinking about Haruka... and now--" he starts sobbing again when he remembers what Haruka told him in the bathroom; he would've rather been in a facility, or even have died.

"He hates me," Makoto cries, to which his mother replies, "That's not true, Makoto, Haruka doesn't hate you, darling."

She pulls Makoto against him tightly, but all Makoto can think of his how he ruined his chance with Haruka. He tells himself that it hurts so much because Haruka's his best friend, but the strange way his heart is aching right now is making him think that Haruka's accident actually changed something in their friendship.

"B-But..." Makoto swallows. "Someone that doesn't hate me wouldn't say that he'd rather died than be with me."

Makoto's mom lifts Makoto's upright, so he's forced to look at her when she says, "In situations like this, even the best of friends fight sometimes."

Makoto blinks twice, confused.

"That is because it's hard on Haruka, to not be able to move and do what he used to do," his mother continues. "But it's also hard on you, Makoto."

"H-hard? On me?" Makoto frowns, because according to him this shouldn't be as hard on him; he isn't the paralyzed one, the guy that will never be able to do what he loves anymore.

Makoto's mom nods and says, "Yes, of course it's also hard on you. You're seeing your best friend in a state you've never wished to see him in, you're taking fulltime care of someone and, more than anything, both of you never seem to take a good rest; a little fight now and then is bound to happen."

She is right, and Makoto knows it.

"Now, having a fight isn't bad, and needing some time for yourself afterwards isn't either." She pats Makoto on the back. "Your father is getting Haruka dressed and back in his wheelchair right now, so you can take a few hours to rest and think about everything. Promise me you'll try to sleep a little?"

Makoto nods, already feeling his swollen eyelids get heavier at only the thought of take a nap.

"I also want you to think about what happened." She closes her eyes briefly before a ghost of a smile appears on her face. "So, that way, after you wake up, you can apologize to Haruka. With friendships eventually come fights, but making up afterwards is also part of being friends."

Makoto nods again; she's completely right and he'll listen to her for sure. She knows things like this, she has had friends and fights in the past, and Makoto can't allow himself to be in a fight with Haruka when his best friend needs him this badly. "I will do that."

His mother smiles and says, "That's my boy." before getting up and walking towards the door. Before she turns off the lights, she adds, "Now don't worry too much, alright? Just try to rest."

Makoto nods and lays his head back on his pillow, closing his eyes while he thinks about all that has happened. Everything he felt during the fight comes flooding back at him and he realizes that he wasn't really mad. He wasn't furious at Haruka, he understood why Haruka would say the things he said, but it just hurt him.

Makoto's heart ached and his stomach seemed to turn when Haruka told him about the pain and suffering he saw in his own future; not because Makoto thought it was his fault that Haruka's hurting this much, but rather because he felt like he can't be happy if he sees Haruka this sad all the time. Like always before it was like their minds are intertwined, like Makoto's not whole without him.

Makoto gasps when the realization hits him, for the first time in his entire life he realizes why he wants to see Haruka happy so badly. It has nothing to do with friendship, it's much bigger than that, much deeper and much more selfish; he didn't want Haruka to go somewhere else, not because Haruka wouldn't be happy there, but so that Makoto could be near Haruka.

Even if Haruka would be happier in a housing for people like him, Makoto wouldn't want that, because Makoto wouldn't be able to see Haruka anymore. Makoto had always known the aching of his heart when Haruka wasn't close, the way his thoughts always seemed to be occupied with what was going on in Haruka's head, normal friends didn't have that with each other... so what Makoto feels for Haruka must be a deeper kind of love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> Will everything be alright again? Or is their friendship just too fragile for something this heavy?


	6. Please, Don't Leave Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can they fix this fight...  
> Or is their friendship just too fragile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey There!
> 
> Little announcement before we start!  
> I'm writing a sequel for "If Love Could Be The Cure We Need" now!!!   
> OMG I'm just so gkudyvcuoweycb, meehhhh! It's going to last a long while before I'll start posting the sequel, but I'm just so excited!
> 
> Okay, now, enjoy!  
> Love, Noa <3

It’s already evening by the time Makoto finally dares to look at Haruka again. Never in his life has Haruka gotten into a fight with Makoto that wasn’t about something small. But this is a big thing, because if a fight means Makoto can barely look at Haruka for an entire day, every fight could have a huge impact on Haruka’s life; he needs Makoto to function.

But after a couple of agonizing hours, of Haruka having to ask the help of Makoto’s parents, Makoto finally glances at Haruka again. They’ve been sitting next to each other in silence, avoiding each other’s gazes, for almost an hour now.

Haruka looks back into Makoto’s bright green eyes. They seem less green than they did before the accident, but at the same time they look so much lively.

“I-I.” Makoto presses his lips into a firm line and glances away. “I’m sorry.”

Haruka swallows, because he should be the one apologizing to Makoto; he made such a scene while Makoto just wanted to help him. He probably really hurt Makoto’s feelings, because otherwise Makoto wouldn’t ignore Haruka for almost an entire afternoon.

Haruka shakes his head and tells Makoto he doesn’t have to be sorry. “It’s my fault, Makoto.”

For the past days, Haruka has barely slept at night, causing him to be kind of grumpy. This morning, because of exhaustion, he could only see the darkness instead of the light.

The fact that he’s been having a mild fever from this morning also doesn’t help with his state of mind. It causes him to feel all fuzzy and pessimistic, he just couldn’t handle the thought of needing help with something as simple as bathing; something he would do on his own, every morning before Makoto even arrived at his house, Haruka never needed any help with that and he just didn’t want Makoto’s help to ruin the experience of taking a bath.

Haruka looks down at his lap and mumbles, “I promise not to yell at you again.”

“It’s okay, Haru.” Makoto smiles wide before ruffling Haruka’s hair with his huge hands.

He did that again, tousling Haruka’s hair, when he laid Haruka in bed. They had some good talking about the fight and everything actually felt right; Haruka promised not to make a fuss about being helped and Makoto promised not to cross Haruka’s boundaries again.

And now it’s half pas ten in the evening, and Makoto has just tucked Haruka in.

Haruka hears the shower in the distance, meaning Makoto’s also getting ready to go to bed. Both of them had a tiring day, so when Haruka starts to doze off he’s actually pretty glad that he can sleep.

At first everything goes silent and black for what seems like hours, but then all of a sudden flashes of a car speeding in Haruka’s direction fill up his vision. His heart is racing when he sees the car getting closer and closer, and with a loud noise it crashes with the front against Haruka’s back.

Screams echo in his ears when he hears a loud crack and feels a sting running along his spine.

He starts crying, because even though it seems to be happening for the first time, Haruka feels like he already knows the aftermath of this dreadful accident; he won’t die, even though it may hurt as bad as dying would.

“Please, make it stop!” he cries out in pain, in fear, but goes silent when a voice calls for him.

“Haru,” it says, a beautiful and deep voice that comes from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. “Haruka, wake up! It’s a dream, just a bad nightmare!”

Haruka opens his eyes and stares into two green eyes. They’re overflowing with worry as his hands slide over Haruka’s cheeks gently.

“You’re okay,” Makoto repeats, wiping away Haruka’s tears. “It’s just another nightmare.”

Makoto sits down on the bed beside Haruka and whispers, “Hey, don’t cry.” He wipes away another tear, but Haruka can’t hold back his tears because it all felt so real. “I hate it when you cry.”

Haruka lets out a sob for, what seems to be, the first time in his entire life. He isn’t used to crying, but that nightmare was like reliving his worst moment; the minute that ruined his life.

Makoto’s cold hand moves from Haruka’s cheek to his head. At that moment, Makoto’s eyes go from a little sad to extremely worried in an instance.

“Shit,” Makoto whispers. “You’re burning up.”

Haruka frowns, because at first he doesn’t get why that would be such a big problem; he’s had fevers before and just has gone swimming and wandering around with wet hair when having a fever in the past. But then he remembers what Doctor Nakamura told him.

“Oh,” Haruka mumbles, because he was told that since his body functions differently from other people’s body. Meaning, a fever, which causes sweating, could make him feel really bad if not handled the right way. “Now what?”

Makoto thinks for a moment and eventually says that he has to get some cold, wet towels and some of the medicine that Doctor Nakamura gave them in case Haruka got a fever. “And I have to chance you into a thinner t-shirt, the warmer your clothes, the more you’ll sweat.”

Makoto does as he says and changes Haruka in one of Makoto’s thinnest, largest and oldest t-shirts; leaving Haruka with more undressed parts of his chest.

After that Makoto leaves and comes back a little later with multiple soaked towels, a glass of water and some of the fever-reducing medication and painkillers.

“There you go,” Makoto says while carefully sliding one of the pills into Haruka’s mouth.

Haruka curls his lips around the straw, Makoto put in his glass of water, and takes a gulp to swallow the medication one by one. And even though he knows they won’t work right away, he feels a little better only seconds after swallowing the last painkiller.

“Well, let’s give that some time to start working,” Makoto says while standing up and slowly walking to the door. “I’m going to finish putting on my pajamas, okay?”

Haruka only now notices that Makoto’s hair is still wet, and he’s only wearing underpants and a soaked shirt; he ran towards Haruka’s room so quickly, he didn’t even take the time to dry off.

Haruka nods and watches Makoto as he leaves the room; soon after Haruka feels all tired again, but the thought of closing his eyes and reliving that same nightmare again scares him to death.

At least his head doesn’t feel like it’s exploding anymore, so fighting to keep his eyes open doesn’t feel too bad. He lays there shivering under the blankets until Makoto walks into his room again.

“Feeling a little better?” Makoto asks with a kind smile.

Haruka glances away, he doesn’t know if he should lie and tell Makoto he’s great, or of he should tell Makoto about the bad dream and how afraid he is. He decides to go for something in between, saying, “I’m okay, but been better.”

Makoto’s smile doesn’t falter, but his eyes stop sparkling cheerfully. It’s either a sign that Makoto noticed that Haruka’s lying, or he’s just too tired for his eyes to keep smiling along with his mouth.

Makoto mumbles something Haruka doesn’t understand before turning to the door and saying, “I think I’m heading to bed, just yell if you need me.”

“Please, don’t leave me alone,” Haruka whispers just as Makoto’s hand reaches for the door.

Makoto stops moving, frozen in place, when Haruka asks, “Can you stay with me a little longer?”

Haruka stares at Makoto, waiting for a reply. Makoto looks shocked and tired at the same time, and for a moment Haruka’s convinced that Makoto’s going to tell him that he’s way too tired to stay with Haruka for any longer; eventually he nods.

“Give me a second,” Makoto says turning back to the door. “I’ll get a book and I’ll just stay with you until you fall asleep, if that would make you feel better.”

Haruka nods and thanks Makoto.

A couple of seconds Makoto comes back, carrying a book and his glasses together with his own pillow. Haruka’s confused at first, because other than Haruka’s wheelchair there’s no place for Makoto sit down, and he isn’t carrying a chair with him.

“Are you okay with me lying down beside you?” Makoto asks, his voice shaking and his cheeks turning slightly pink. “That way I can stay with you until you’re asleep.”

Haruka swallows, not sure if it’ll fit, but soon enough he realizes that the bed is much bigger than Makoto’s bed and they used to lay on Makoto’s bed with the two of them all the time when they were younger; this should fit without a problem.

“Sure,” Haruka mumbles, and before he knows it, Makoto’s lifting Haruka a little more to one side of the bed so Makoto can lay beside him. He crawls under the blankets and when he flops down the bed, Haruka’s pillow moves just enough to make him slip out of position.

A warm feeling rises from Haruka’s chest up to his cheeks when he realizes that all of his body is leaning against Makoto, Haruka’s head really close to Makoto’s shoulder. At first Haruka wants to sit back upright, but since his body won’t listen to him, Haruka decides to give into it and leans with his head on Makoto’s shoulder.

Makoto doesn’t do anything about it, so Haruka decides it must be alright with him.

Haruka watches Makoto as he puts on his glasses and takes out the book.

None of them says anything while they lay there like that, for what might be minutes, or hours.

For the first time in days, Haruka actually feels good about a situation and completely calm. Somehow resting his head on Makoto’s shoulder and listening to him breathe slowly as he reads page after page of some tearjerker novel, is very therapeutic for Haruka.

Makoto changes from position every once in a while, and when he does for the fourth time, Haruka turns his head a little and nuzzles Makoto’s shoulder; he smells like water and soap.

But just as Haruka’s cheek and part of his nose rub against the soft fabric of Makoto’s t-shirt, Makoto’s body tenses up and when Haruka looks up to him he sees that Makoto’s cheeks are tinted with a bright red glow. His eyes are big and shocked and he looks like he isn’t reading anymore.

“Is something wrong?” Haruka asks.

Makoto’s cheeks turn even a deeper shade of red and he’s refusing to look at Haruka when he mumbles that nothing is wrong. “I-It’s just something that happened in the book.”

Haruka can see it in Makoto’s eyes, he’s lying about this, but Haruka doesn’t really mind. Of course, he’s curious about why Makoto looks so shocked and embarrassed, but at the same time he doesn’t want to bug his best friend too much. They’ve just got everything back to normal again, Haruka can’t risk getting into another fight again.

Yet, he catches himself staring at Makoto; trying his hardest to figure out what’s going on inside Makoto’s head. What is he thinking about that makes him blush so much, and eventually even causes Makoto’s eyes to fill up with tears; does it have to do with Haruka?

“Okay, yeah,” Makoto mumbles to himself before turning to Haruka. “Something’s on my mind.”

Haruka glares into Makoto’s eyes and sees how a tear slips down Makoto’s cheek.

The next moment it feels like Haruka’s heart has stopped, because he doesn’t know if he heard it right… did Makoto really just say, “I think I might be falling in love with you.”?

Haruka’s mouth opens, but he closes it again as the thoughts in his mind aren’t any decent words he can use during this conversation; they’re not even sentences or letters to begin with.

It’s just overflowing feelings; hurt and dread and fear, but also happiness and love.

It makes everything so confusing, yet it identifies the fluttery feeling that Haruka felt whenever Makoto’s hands touched Haruka’s face and he could actually feel the warmth of Makoto’s oversized hands. It helps Haruka realize why he’s okay with Makoto seeing him in this awful way, and yet at the same time wants nothing about their friendship to shatter because of Haruka’s disability.

It all is because he, also, treasures Makoto.

“I-I—uhm,” Haruka stammers, feeling his cheeks getting warmer with every second that passes. “I… but—“ He swallows before gathering the courage to say it out loud. “I love you too, Makoto.”

It’s all he can do; say it back. But actually Haruka would love to do much more. He’d love to take his hands through Makoto’s soft hair and wrap his arms around his best friend, maybe even kiss Makoto… but it’s not like his body will allow him to do what he wants.

Makoto looks unsure about it too, seeming hesitant when he cups his hand around Haruka face.

Warmth rises up to Haruka’s cheeks when he whispers, “Makoto, c-can I kiss you?”

Makoto’s cheeks get pink at first, but then he nods and leans towards Haruka. He doesn’t kiss Haruka though, he just stops moving when he’s close enough and lets Haruka do what he asked for.

The touch of Makoto’s lips against Haruka’s feels so familiar, yet Haruka cannot remember ever kissing his best friend ever before. Makoto’s breath smells like toothpaste and his lips feel a little dry, but when kissing all Haruka tastes is honey and ginger tea with just a little hint of sugar.

Sadly, after what seems like not by far long enough, their lips part.

Makoto’s blushing and smiling wide, while Haruka’s heart is racing in his chest.

Before pulling Haruka against him, Makoto tousles Haruka’s hair and kisses his forehead. And eventually after being embraced by his best friend – or where they lovers now? – Haruka’s eyelids start to get heavier. He listens to Makoto’s heartbeat and closes his eyes to the rising and falling of Makoto’s chest as he breathes on the same pace as Haruka.

They fall asleep like that; Makoto’s arm wrapped around Haruka and Haruka’s head resting against Makoto’s chest. Both of them with a smile on their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter:  
> The finale!


	7. Love You From Head to Toe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter!  
> Is it the happy ending we've been waiting for???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey There!
> 
> There aren't actually any trigger warnings, so I'd say  
> enjoy reading this chapter!
> 
> Love, Noa <3

Ever since Makoto confessed his feelings to Haruka, everything seemed to get better gradually. They're working together as a team instead of as two loose people who don't really know how to deal with situation.

Everything seems to go easier, and they now actually talk with each other when there are problems.

The last couple of days they used to get their teamwork back up to before the accident, because it was much better back then, and it worked out amazingly.

So good even that Haruka started trusting Makoto with helping him out with the physiotherapy, which makes that he now has regained a little control over his left hand; he can control his wheelchair himself whenever he's not too tired to move at all.

To test Haruka's control over his hand, and the limits to for how long it can function properly, Makoto has decided that they can go out and see a little bit of the nice outside weather. 

It’s strange, because for the first time since the accident, Makoto can walk beside Haruka. It’s weird being able to look at something other than the back of Haruka’s head while making their way through the narrow alleys of Iwatobi Town.

It’s also very hard to find pathways that Haruka can use, because most of Iwatobi’s roads and paths end up in staircases that Haruka can’t climb. Yet, Haruka seems determined to go a certain place.

He even asks Makoto to follow him, because he wants to go somewhere.

They find their way through wobbly pathways and nature-like roads that are just barely flat enough to be called pavement. But eventually they reach the place that Haruka wanted to go to so badly.

It’s actually the only place that Makoto wanted to avoid, for Haruka’s sake, because as soon as they reach the long strip of pavement that stretches along the beach, that Haruka’s expression saddens. Even though he was the one who suggested going this route, it’s clear he’s sad.

It gets rather longing as he stares at the sea, and Makoto’s sure Haruka must miss swimming a lot.

He might not always show it, but Haruka’s not yet done with his hobby; even when he physically can’t do it, his mind is still set to running towards the water while stripping off almost all of his clothes and just diving into whatever water he can find.

“Shall we go back home?” Makoto asks, placing his hand on Haruka’s shoulder.

Haruka stares at the sea a little longer before shaking his head. “No,” he says and, to Makoto’s surprise, he even asks if they can go closer.

Makoto looks down at the sand, which starts almost directly next to them and stretches out all the way to the sea, and takes a deep breath. “I don’t think we can.” He’s sad he has to say it, but he can’t just roll Haruka’s wheelchair through the sand like that. “We would probably break your wheelchair.”

Haruka takes closes his eyes briefly. He even looks slightly sad just before he smiles lightly and his cheeks turn bright pink. “Can you carry me?” Haruka asks, causing Makoto to gasp.

“Wh-what?” Makoto stammers, looking at Haruka with surprise in his eyes. “Carry you?”

Haruka nods and says, “I want to see the sea up close again, so can you carry me?”

Makoto hears that Haruka’s not kidding, and he wants to do that for Haruka, but at the same time he’s afraid that it’ll only hurt Haruka; seeing water but not being able to swim is like torture to Haruka for as far as Makoto knows.

“I—“ Makoto looks down at the ground, going over his options; he could carry Haruka to the sea, make him see the water while torturing with the fact that he can’t swim in it, or he could tell Haruka “no” and possibly make him even sadder and maybe Haruka will get angry with Makoto too.

“Okay,” Makoto says while taking off his shoes and socks. “I’ll carry you to the sea.”

A ghost of a smile appears on Haruka’s face when Makoto lifts him from the wheelchair and lets Haruka rest against his chest. Sand tickles under Makoto’s bare feet when he steps onto the beach.

It’s warm, because the sun has been shining on the sand for the entire day already. Hurt hits Makoto when he realizes that, even if he’d lay Haruka down on the beach right now, Haruka will never feel the lukewarm sand tickling his feet again.

It’s a strange feeling that spreads through Makoto’s chest when he realizes this. Normal things like warmth and cold, like the body temperature of Makoto or a cup of hot chocolate milk to warm your hands in the winter, Haruka can’t feel that at all. Realizing that hurts.

“Why did you stop?” Haruka mumbles, gazing at the sea just a few steps away from them.

Makoto looks at the water, which literally almost streams over his feet whenever a wave floats onto the beach. They’re so close, there’s no way Makoto can get any closer; what if he’ll fall because of the water, or they get dragged into the water, it could actually harm Haruka.

“We’re close enough,” Makoto says. “You can see the sea perfectly from here.”

Makoto feels Haruka’s breathing against his chest; slow and calm deep breaths, meaning he’s really enjoying the view he’s getting. Makoto also thinks it’s beautiful out today, with the light blue sky with only few clouds hovering above the deep sea. He stares at the view for a long while, so long that Makoto’s arms are starting to go numb from carrying Haruka so long.

“Can’t we go into the sea?” Haruka asks, his voice soft and longing. “Just a quick dip.”

Makoto closes his eyes briefly and holds Haruka tighter. It’s a hard decision for him, because even though he wants to go in with Haruka so bad, Makoto’s still scared of the ocean and going in with his paralyzed boyfriend, who has to depend on him for one-hundred percent, doesn’t make it easier.

Haruka rests his cheek against Makoto’s chest and whispers, “Please, Makoto.”

That’s enough to get Makoto to nod; Haruka’s expression and the way his eyes shimmer and shine just at the thought of going into the sea real quick. So Makoto just holds Haruka tighter and tells himself that it won’t hurt. “Just a short while won’t hurt.”

The water streams through the sand underneath his feet, and it’s cold actually sends a shiver down Makoto’s spine. Makoto hopes Haruka wasn’t kidding when he said he couldn’t feel any temperature at all, because otherwise this rather cold water will be a painful experience for Haruka.

When they’re deep enough, but not too deep, Makoto lowers Haruka into the water too. As soon as Haruka’s lower body is floating in the water, Haruka closes his eyes.

Makoto wraps his arms around Haruka tightly, making sure not to let go as he helps Haruka drift.

“This is so nice,” Haruka whispers as he tilts his head back to soak his hair too.

Makoto folds his legs underneath Haruka and starts swimming on his back just a little, that way Haruka maybe will get a little more feeling of movement. Maybe he can feel the water streaming past him, making his black hair float like seaweed.

Makoto takes one of his hands through Haruka’s hair quickly, untangling the wet strains. Haruka’s cheeks look a little red, possibly because of the hot sun or maybe he’s blushing from happiness.

Makoto feels like an asshole when he has to take Haruka out of the water; it’s getting a lot more crowded on the beach and the waves seem to get higher with every minute that passes.

Haruka doesn’t really seem to mind though, as he immediately buries his face in Makoto’s cold and wet shirt. Haruka’s voice is muffled when he says, “I really missed swimming, you know that?”

Makoto nods and answers, “Me too” as he wanders back onto the dry sand. It sticks to his wet feet and the sand cramming into every part of his foot isn’t a nice feeling, yet he missed the feeling of stepping onto a dry surface while still being all soaked yourself.

“We should do it more often,” Makoto says, and before he can think about what he just said, Haruka immediately glares at Makoto with big eyes. Haruka’s eyes seem all shiny and he’s flustered when he asks, “You think so?”.

Makoto nods, because he’s actually been researching “swimming with quadriplegics” for a while now. Ever since Haruka started going to physical therapy more often, Makoto would sit in the waiting room and Google all sorts of information about this subject.

“Like I said many times before,” Makoto says, thinking about how badly he wants Haruka to be able to do what he loves. “Swimming is nothing to me when I’m not swimming with you.”

Haruka’s eyes close briefly and Makoto wonders if he’s making Haruka sad by saying that.

“So.” Makoto pulls Haruka tighter against him. “If you can’t swim on your own, _I_ will be there to swim _with_ you; I will always be there to help you and take you swimming.”

Haruka smiles an actual smile, wide and glad and most of all happier than ever before.

His expression does grow a little more serious, but still stays happy, when he says, “You’re the only thing that makes all of this bearable.” Haruka pauses, making sure to look Makoto in the eye when he adds, “You know that, right?”

Makoto’s throat feels like it’s being squeezed shut; how can he be the person who makes this awful thing bearable. So instead of saying anything, Makoto just stares back at Haruka like “What?”

Haruka snorts and says, “At first I thought I would never be able to live this way.”

Makoto frowns, but at the same time he completely gets what Haruka’s saying; he thought the pain of being paralyzed would be too much to bear, but now he doesn’t seem to think that way anymore.

“But now,” Haruka says, burying his face in Makoto’s t-shirt again. “I’m sure I can do this. Like you said; _we_ can do this together.”

Makoto catches himself smiling, and Haruka’s kind words even bring him to a stop. He stands there, almost burning his feet on the warm sand, but he doesn’t care because Haruka’s there with him.

“We can do this,” Makoto repeats; he likes the sound of that.

“I love you.” Haruka whispers before giggling softly, his ears turning all red as he presses his face against Makoto’s chest even harder. “I really love you.”

Makoto gets all flustered, because even though they’ve been saying they love each other, a lot lately, it feels different this time. It feels like Haruka has regained his will to live; he’s free again.

Makoto closes his eyes while lowering the both of them into the sand, so he can hug Haruka for real. Haruka’s head rests on Makoto’s shoulder and Makoto has both of his arms wrapped tightly around his boyfriend. He nozzles Haruka’s hair and ear before whispering what he didn’t dare to say before.

“I love you, Haruka Nanase.” Makoto stares into Haruka deep blue eyes and kisses him softly. “I love you from head to toe.”

**The End.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey There!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this fanfiction!  
> I know, not my best work, but not my worst either. I needed to write something with my favorite ship before throwing myself into the HUGE project that's the sequel to "If Love Could Be Cure We Need"... I'm nervous about if I will be able to surpass the first one, but I will try my best!
> 
> Anyway, let me know in the comments what you thought of this story!  
> And have a nice weekend!
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there, me again!
> 
> Like I said, I would be back to give you all a little piece of my research and an explination about why I re-used a concept.  
> Well, actually, it was an instagram friend of mine who inspired me to write this story. We were talking about some angsty MakoHaru fanart he'd send me, when I told him how I'd stepped away from writing the angsty medical genre - I love to write - about one or two months ago, because I was afraid that people would start to think I was weird for writing so much medical AUs.  
> He told me to just write what I'm comfortable writing, and the day after, I decided to do as he told me; I grabbed my favorite ship, my favorite genre and started researching and plotting for this story... heck I haven't had so much fun doing research in a long while!  
> I actually wanted to gift this work to him... so he knows that I kind of wrote this for him, but he doesn't have an AO3 account. 
> 
> Now, let me stop being all sappy and give you some pieces of my research!  
> ____  
> Spinal Cord Injury:  
> A spinal cord injury is damage to any part of the spinal cord or nerves at the end of the spinal canal. This often causes permanent changes in strength, sensation and other body functions below the injury. 
> 
> The severity, or "completeness", and place of your injury decides how much of the ability to control your limbs is left after a spinal cord injury.  
> If all feeling and all ability to control movement are lost below the spinal cord injury, your injury is called complete.  
> While if you have some motor or sensory function below the affected area, your injury is called incomplete.
> 
> The paralysis of spinal cord injury might be referred to in a certain way, depending on the place of the injury.  
> Tetraplegia, also known as quadriplegia, means that your arms, hands, trunk, legs and pelvic organs are all affected by your spinal cord injury.  
> And Paraplegia is a paralysis that affects all or part of the trunk, legs and pelvic organs. 
> 
> Some of the symptoms of a spinal cord injury may include;  
> \- Loss of movement  
> \- Loss or altered sensation, including the ability to feel heat, cold and touch  
> \- Loss of bowel or bladder control  
> \- Exaggerated reflex activities or spasms  
> \- Pain or an intense stinging sensation caused by damage to the nerve fibers in your spinal cord  
> \- Difficulty breathing, coughing or clearing secretions from your lungs
> 
> ____
> 
> That was all, I guess haha.  
> I'll be back with another chapter, probably, next Sunday unless I'm done with the next chapter earlier. 
> 
> Love, Noa <3


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